Round 1 – Australian Grand Prix Report

Vettel’s Finger, Hamilton’s Plank, Sauber’s Wingers & Rubens’ Tank!

F1. 4 Sure! isn’t in the business of giving comprehensive race reports. We don’t want to tell you things like fastest sector times or which drivers started on what tyre compound or even what tyre compound they should have been on when they failed to pit on lap 32 when so-and-so pitted etc. etc. Naaah, we prefer the gossip…..

Part 1: Vettel’s Finger

"This is an EX Parrot...it is no more.... it has ceased to be!"

OK, so Sebastian Vettel picked up where he left off at the end of last season – i.e. He dominated the week-end and lead from the front in his Red Bull (or “just a drinks company” as Lewis Hamilton likes to refer to them in interviews these days).

Seeing Sebastian get pole position or win a race used to be fun when he first started doing it but inevitably – and just like Fernando Alonso’s infamous “Bull” impression or Kimi Raikkonen’s trademark “ecstatic sneer” – there’s a slightly annoying inevitability to seeing him stick his digit in the air and grin inanely at the camera. I assume this is him saying that he is “No. 1″ and isn’t some secret sign to a “special friend” about how he plans to celebrate his success” Maybe we should hope we never find out…………

He drove very well indeed today but I can’t help thinking that if he’d qualified in 3rd place like his antipodean team-mate, he might not have had it so easy.

Incidentally, Mark Webber was seen examining the front of Seb’s car in Parc Ferme after the race as if he expected him to have an extra bit that Christian Horner had somehow deliberately prevented Adrian Newey from putting on the Australian’s car (Red Bull gives him “slightly bigger” wings perhaps?). Also, when interviewed after the race, Mark was asked about the reasons behind the disparity between him and the “wunderkind” this week-end and his reaction was quite telling.

Personally, I still don’t think he trusts his team one bit. This could be “Round 2 ding! ding!” if things continue in this vein, as “just a drinks company” were lucky to escape with the WDC last season – in amongst the infighting and over protestations of “equal treatment” for their drivers, which seemed at odds with what was actually happening on track at some points. As Mark most noteably said after Seb crashed into him in Japan in 2007, “Well it’s kids, isn’t it. Kids with not enough experience, doing a good job then they **** it all up!”

Maybe Seb’s digit raised in times of joy is his way of saying “thank you” to his team mate for this early endorsement! Whatever the reason, I think Mark will still be waiting for Seb to **** it all up for some time to come……

Part 2: Hamilton’s Plank

F1 Plank - Ralf Schumacher, Australian GP 2002

McLaren’s turnaround in pace this week-end is nothing short of stunning. If Ferrari are down at heart after the Oz GP then they should look at their old rivals McLaren if they want some inspiration to improve. A month ago their car looked like a blob of silver coloured poop on a stick yet Lewis Hamilton took a well deserved 2nd place, despite the fact that he drove a fair chunk of the race with a broken plank underneath his car. A tasty car on a broken stick you might say. His clean shaven team mate Jenson Button had a slightly more problematic afternoon scrabbling about behind Felipe Massa impatiently, incurring a penalty in the process – but there’s no doubt that Macca have found as much pace (if not more) than Ferrari seem to have lost since the last test in Barcelona.

Part 3: Sauber’s Wingers

Sauber were unlucky but looking good in Oz

Much was made of tyres and strategy before the race and tyres are no doubt going to be key to the story of F1 in 2011, but special mention should be made of Sauber’s 2 drivers today. They would have finished in 7th & 8th positions thanks to some good driving and an inspired “suck it and see” tyre strategy, with Rookie Sergio Perez stopping only once in a race where 3 stops was the expected strategy for most drivers. I say “would have” but they were disqualified after the event following a technical infringement involving their rear wings. It does make you wonder how they could have been allowed to enter the race with “illegal wings” in the first place but you have to feel sorry for the team all the same. Maybe they need to ask “just a drinks company” to supply them in future since their advertising slogan promises to give them to you if you buy some of their heart palpitating. vomit inducing brew…

Part 4: The Return of Rubens the Tank!

Britney Rosberg Vs. Rubens: "Hit me baby one more time!"

This race was a bit weird in that many aspects of it were eerily similar to the last race of last season. Vettel won and Lewis came 2nd, Alonso was following “Fiddley” Petrov for half of the race and Mark Webber was all at sea whilst his team mate was docked in the harbour sipping Champagne and watching old Monty Python re-runs (as is his want).

Rubens Barrichello however was back to the early days of the 2009 season however, forging ahead in fits and bursts and knocking people off the track willy nilly but seemingly still able to carry on going, a bit like that bloke in America a few years ago! 22 laps into the race the most experienced driver in F1 smacked into the site of Britney Rosberg’s Mercedes. Rubens claims that this was not in any way a wild overtaking move, but actually a defensive one to ward off the advances of Kamui Kobayashi, for which he blamed his tyres.

In my opinion, this is a bit like pushing over the guy ahead of you in the post office queue because you are worried the guy behind you is about to jump the queue – and then blaming your anorak when he falls over, but Rubens is a cool dude and am sure he simply mistook Rosberg for his arch nemesis and Hungarian GP “wall of death” opponent Michael Schumacher, so any excuse will just have to do!

Rubens himself retired on lap 48 with a transmission problem when his brain refused to send any more signals to his hands and he lost drive……

Part 5: Other Stuff that happened

Obviously other stuff went down “Oz-side” today , but as i’ve said, we’re not here to be comprehensive. Autosport will tell you what you need to know about finishing positions and tyre choice shizzle and Planet F1 will rewrite it with more sensationalistic & inappropriate headlines if you are feeling a bit stupid, but otherwise you need to go to another blog if you want to know what colour pants Pastor Maldonado was wearing in Q2 or why Sébastien Buemi only eats Alpen and Toblerone Fruit & Nut during race weekends.

As opening races go it wasn’t bad. One thing 4 sure is that the new rules will take some getting used to by the teams and that there were definitely some unexpected performances – but then again, the first few races of every season tend to be a bit of a lottery so it’s all good clean fun at the end of the day.

Will it be a walkover for Red Bull? I doubt it. Will Vettel and his magic finger retain the title? Only a fool or an Austrian ex-F1 driver whose name rhymes with “Louder” would make such a rash statement. Come to think of it, he probably already has!

F1. 4 Sure! Race Rating: 6/10

We didn’t fall back asleep given that it was 7 in the morning that was really 6 in the morning and enough happened in it to make it an interesting race, despite the run-away leader.

Tyred, Exhausted & Raring to go……

Karun Chandhok completes his "flowering egg" trick, much to the delight of onlookers

This time next week at least 3 questions about the 2011 F1 season will have been answered. In addition to knowing whether or not we had set our alarm clocks correctly of course, we will know if Red Bull and Ferrari really are equally matched for pace, we will know if Martin Brundle and David Coulthard have instant “commentator’s chemistry” and we will know if the new HRT really does have a functioning engine in it or whether they plan to use a complex combination of pulleys, springs, elastic bands and Tonio Liuzzi’s hair gel to propel the car forward (some say that last year’s HRT ran purely on Karun Chandhok’s charisma for the first 10 races until they could afford to fit an engine so you never know).

It will be about time too! Personally i’m sick of waiting now as every new day only brings more speculation and very little revelation concerning each team, car and driver – and it doesn’t tell us anything we don’t already know. Some teams feel more confident after winter testing and some feel less confident but they all tell us one thing we know to be true – no-one really knows.

Weird

McLaren however should be given a special mention due to their unique approach to the season so far. If you are a McLaren, Lewis or Jenson fan you might feel justifiably concerned at this stage. Whilst the other teams have been testing to the limit to improve their reliability and knowledge of the car (except HRT who have been promoting it, constructing it and seemingly trying to get it through customs during their test sessions), Macca have been acting like an eccentric uncle with a slightly unhealthy interest in computers. They launched their car – late – in quite a “unique” yet barmy kind of way, they developed some atypically shaped sidepods that got talked about alot, and then sat in their garage quite a bit at various Spanish test locations – assuring us that they didn’t need to go out on track because they had developed a new approach to testing that relied more on “virtual testing environments” or some such shizzle.

I can relate to that because I don’t know about you, but I like to drive to Sainsbury’s at the week-end, park up and then get my laptop out and order my groceries online before driving home again – to another country!

Martin Whitmarsh gets "goosed" by 2 World Champions!

The result is a car that has only done more testing miles in 2011 than one other team – and that’s HRT! The drivers are complaining of lack of downforce, Martin Brundle described it as “a mess” in terms of handling and McLaren seem to have moved into a new area of damage limitation now which is half apologetic and half baseless optimism which gives conflicting messages to fans.

Being an eccentric uncle though, they will probably win the race in Australia now!

There are several rule changes in F1 this year. There’s the Adjustable Rear Wing, the reintroduction of KERS (where teams aim to avoid electrocuting their drivers and pit crews at massive expense – all for the sake of what boils down to “not a lot”) and the ban on team orders has been lifted (so Ferrari don’t have to lie through their teeth if they handle theirs badly again and everyone else can stop self righteously acting like they never did it at some point too)!

However, the most crucial changes in 2011 appear at this point to be not so much rule changes but changes in F1′s tyre supplier and an innovation to a very specific part of the car……

Which way do your outlets face and does it really matter?

Look carefully and you'll see an exhaust exit. Not very interesting is it?

I imagine you’ve never thought about trying to increase the speed of your own car by re-routing your exhaust pipe and neither have I (but I can definitely say from first-hand experience that when a bit falls off it it doesn’t help!!). The F1 teams have though.

A hot topic of debate ever since the launch of this year’s Renault has been their innovation which affects the location of the exhaust outlets on the car. It appears that several teams were toying with the idea of altering this aspect of their car right up until Renault actually did it, after which they all started toying with the idea that they maybe should have toyed with the idea longer than they did before discarding it.

Renault have radically changed the design of their exhaust outputs so that they exit towards the middle of the car near the sidepods and are front facing. The idea is a very simple one, namely that the design redirects hot exhaust gases under the car and towards its rear in a different way, potentially providing more downforce in the process. The keyword here is “potentially” as opinion is divided as to whether or not Renault’s radical design will make a key difference or not when compared to other areas of the car’s development.

It has definitely contributed to the amount of hot gas emanating from the F1 media who like to be first on the scene with information about anything that Formula 1 fans might get upset about and do a Google search on.

HRT unpeel their collection of random car parts for 2011

It’s now got to the stage however where Red Bull (at one test in Valencia) admitted putting false stickers on the back of their car to fool the F1 media into thinking they had changed the position of their exhaust outlets. This is a perfect example of what I call F1 shizzle. Perhaps HRT should have just put a massive sticker over their 2010 car and we’d all be impressed! (actually, thinking about it, it pretty much looks like they did!)

Ross Brawn (the Mercedes Team Principal and acknowledged engineer and banana eating Mancunian) has recently thrown a spanner in the works by saying that he thinks the exhaust design might actually be more important in terms of performance than the infamous double diffuser (for which he was responsible, which pretty much secured the 2009 Championships for Brawn, and which F1 have just got rid of this year!).

I guess we’ll have to see…

Lots and lots of tyres

Pirelli are the new F1 tyre supplier for 2011. They were given a brief to make F1 a little more exciting by lowering the durability of their tyre compounds, thus requiring more pit stops per Grand Prix. When refuelling was banned in 2010, teams had to make 1 mandatory tyre stop to maintain a certain level of unpredictability in races. However, the Bridgestone tyres in 2010 were very durable indeed, meaning that teams had an enormous amount of flexibility when it came to their tyre stop strategy. Basically, the tyre stops added little excitement to the majority of races (a bit like HRT).

Wet (Orange) Intermediate (Blueberry) Supersoft (Strawberry) Soft (Lemonberry) Medium (Mint) Hard (Sugar-free Mint)

2011 will be different. Not only do their tyres come in a range of flavours (like Polos), Pirelli estimate that teams will have to makes 2 stops and maybe 3 per race. Most teams estimate that they will have to stop at least 3 times per race. One thing is 4 Sure, there will be lots of tyre stop related action this season. They also have less tyre sets per race weekend so tyre management is going to be even more critical.

This will undoubtedly play into the hands of teams whose cars and drivers are “kinder to their tyres” but it also increases the possibility of misplaced strategies due to the marginal nature of the tyres. Should be fun!

Overtired & emotional

If you’ve ever watched a Grand Prix on TV in the last decade you will no doubt be familiar with TV commentators explaining in seemingly endless repetition what the markings on tyres denote. Usually they explain that the green or white stripe is there to indicate that the driver is on either the Prime or Option tyre.

Of course this doesn’t help you one little bit unless you know what that actually means plus about 10 other things about F1 tyres and the part they play in strategy and how they are effected by things like track conditions and the characteristics of the car and driver they are currently serving. Thus, for most non obsessive F1 fans, they have probably found the whole tyre strategy element of F1 boring in recent years.

2011 should be more fun in that respect too. Since so many pit stops will be taking place per race, people will want to know more about who is yet to stop and when as this will have more chance of affecting the outcome of the race. Logically, the more pits stops the more something unexpected can happen and therefore the higher the interest. Additionally, the more an individual driver can make of his tyres, the more important and individualistic this skill becomes.

The only note of caution here is if the abilities of the car and driver becomes second to the luck or strategy involved because of the tyres. It needs to be a healthy mixture of both really methinks.

Final HRT jibe & sobering thought!

All in all, 2011 is shaping up to be a lot of fun – unless of course you are a logistics manager for HRT that is. Actually, I shouldn’t keep on having a go at them. HRT have manfully struggled against the odds to start an F1 team on a limited budget and maintain a presence at the back of the grid. They may be slow, perpetually late and not very interesting as a team – but just spare a thought for them.

Get out!

F1 strived to ensure that HRT would be able to start and complete the season last year, with Bernie himself helping them out. This year they have reintroduced the 107% rule, which means that any car that is outside of 107% of the fastest qualifying time will be excluded from the race. HRT are the main team that would have fallen foul of that rule if it were in place last season.  What F1 giveth with one hand, it taketh away with the other!

The other thing to bear in mind is that is we didn’t have HRT, we might have been looking at two USF1 or Stefan GP cars rolling up to the back of the grid in one week’s time. That alone increases the chance that we could have been looking at a 2011 F1 grid with the baggy race-suited folk rocker and 1997 F1 World Champion Jacques Villeneuve in it. Or even Ralf Schumacher!

…..so think on before you start slagging HRT off!

The Birthday boy who got no F1 presents….

You know you’ve become an F1 nutter when you look forward to the start of the new Grand Prix season more than you do Christmas or even your own birthday coming around.

When two of them coincide however, it usually means less presents for Capricorns (“i’ve bought you a combined birthday and Christmas present again this year…… I hope that’s OK!!”) but in the case of Pisceans like myself, it’s usually a bonus!

Carbon Fibre Fish - Carp Webber or Sea-Basstian Vettel perhaps?

Anchovy Davidson

Indeed,  Being a Piscean with a birthday mid way through March has traditionally been a bit of a double whammy for me as I can simultaneously celebrate the start of another year on the planet and get excited about the beginning of another season of my favourite sport.

Obviously that excitement can be misplaced when the F1 equivalent of coming to terms with the fact that you are another year older kicks in, and you realise that F1 has yet again failed to improve overtaking when it said it would, that your favourite team are (at least) a second behind the Red Bulls and that you’re going to have to listen to Jonathan Legard interrupt Martin Brundle live for 30+ hours out of your next 12 months on the planet.

That said, you might argue that – whilst not ideal – all of those things are ultimately better than the fact that you are now another year closer to death, slightly fatter, greyer & balder with relentless hairs growing out of some of your more visible orifices.

Legard - Trimmed!

Thinking about it, i’d rather have the ear hair than Legard so if the BBC have cut Legard this year I should just STFU and get the orifice trimmers out.

As it is, the postponement of the Bahrain Grand Prix this week-end makes the annual wait for the first Grand Prix of the season a particularly painful one this year. However, not only does this mean that the anticipation of the start of the season is now much higher but it is also boosted by the fact that it is being held at a race track known for providing exciting, action packed Formula 1 races, not one with a reputation for largely processional ones.

“Ron-happy”

Come to think of it, even if you aren’t a big fan of the festive season, getting up in the middle of the night* to watch the first race of the F1 season is a bit like getting up to open your Christmas presents while everybody else is still asleep – so I maybe if I did that more often i’d look forward to Christmas more! *Subject to your location on the planet of course.

Ron Dennis finds out about someone else's misfortune whilst on holiday and is temporarily rendered "Happy"!

Still, it has to be said that as I approach my birthday week-end I thus find myself in what could more accurately be described as a “Ron-happy” * frame of mind than say a “Johnny Herbert-happy” frame of mind – which would usually be the case.

* Ron-happy is a state of happiness that is tinged with the melancholy of someone who knows that true happiness is just out of reach (or has just found out that they’ve been banned from driving for 6 months). Often laced with schadenfreude and a sense of irreparable longing for a long departed Finnish driver called Mika – “Ron-happy” is a temporary state which leaves the sufferer ultimately unfulfilled as their smile eventually fades and returns to a sardonic half sneer at the injustice of it all etc. etc.

I suppose the other good thing about waiting an extra 2 weeks for the first race of the season is that it gives HRT enough time to turn their virtual car into a real car now that they have someone to drive it (seeing as all we’ve seen so far is a computer generated graphic of a car with virtual sponsors). Antonio Liuzzi officially joined the team this week and he reportedly brought his own set of Italian hand-crafted spanners with him too so no doubt Hispania’s development program will progress in leaps and bounds from here on in. McLaren too of course will have an extra fortnight to bemoan their car’s lack of downforce while Red Bull & Ferrari play down the fact that they are looking pretty comparable in terms of the team best prepared for the season opener in Melbourne.

All will come to he who waits (another couple of weeks)

As the (final) final test in Barcelona finishes this week-end, we are set for a very dull fortnight. The F1 media have speculated the pants off all aspects of what we can expect from F1 in 2011 and apart from the odd insight into the odd technical development here and there – plus a rough guide to who “should” start the season with an advantage, all we really know is that we will have to wait and see to know for sure.

What we all know 4 sure however is that the development race to build a championship winning car always starts after the first Grand Prix of the season because it’s the first time that the teams get to see the reality of the new developments, cars and rules in a live situation – where the teams hold nothing back. That’s when they (and us) get to really see what’s what, and the teams can start to react to that knowledge.

Jake & his now outdated iPad get to grips with Eddie Jordan while DC (Disdainful Celt) looks on...

In the meantime, why not pop across to the BBC Formula 1 website, where you can find out what the British TV pundits think of things ahead of the season start. They’ve knocked together a couple of videos previewing the technical changes ahead of the new season, as well as their own summary of how the teams have fared during winter testing.

You can marvel at Martin Brundle talking in detail about the new Pirelli tyres and how they will affect this year’s racing (most interesting), Eddie Jordan moaning about KERS (most predictable) and McLaren’s approach to developing cars, and of course you can watch David Coulthard saying the word “clearly” several times (as is his want) whilst looking incredulously at Eddie Jordan during some of his more illogical rants. Best of all, there’s no Johnny Legard blagging his way through discussions he isn’t really qualified to contribute to. Last year’s “pre-season internet couch chat” reminded me of the time that poor taxi driver was accidentally interviewed on live TV about the future of MP3 downloading. Thankfully that is just a distant memory.

Anyhoo, the interviews are there, and not only is this a relatively pleasant way to pass the time while you drink your morning coffee but it also whets your appetite for what you are ultimately going to be missing out on this weekend.

Past, Present, Future

A fire-proofed F1 teddy bear with his own giant fire extinguisher. Who says F1 isn't safe these days?

When all is said and done the start of the season is now only two weeks away. The off-season feels like it’s lasted forever this year but at least we now have a pretty exciting season to look forward to at long last, and in the meantime – perhaps I can look forward to opening one or two F1 themed birthday presents this weekend.

After all, since F1 supremo Bernie Ecclestone™ started to market his F1 brand several years ago, you can buy all sorts of shizzle with his patented logo on it….. and why wouldn’t you?

Who needs “The Stig’s soap on a rope” when you can buy the person you love a teddy bear holding a can of branded deodorant? I mean, which F1 fan doesn’t need that? Call me cynical but despite my utter and undying love for the sport of Formula 1, I refuse to go about smelling the way Bernie Ecclestone wants me to, or indeed cuddle up to a life-sized model of him in a bear costume wearing a fireproof racing overall!!

Now if I could get a talking cap with a digital readout on it which had Murray Walker counting down to the first Grand Prix – that would be uber cool! I can just imagine it:

“…… in 2 days, 6 hours, 14 minutes and 12 seconds….. unless I’m very much mistaken…… the Bahrain Grand Prix will be GO! GO! GO!!!!!!!!!!!” It would have irony, it would be topical and i’m sure would “only” cost me £24.99 as it is written in the F1 marketing bible that all F1 related caps are overpriced to exactly this amount!

I’m going online to look now. I’m sure Bernie’s probably licensed it. It’s just as tacky as some of his other merchandise, and i’m sure GrandPrixLegends will deliver it by Monday for an extra tenner……

The “Regenshyster” * speaks out!

OK, OK, we all know that the bottom has dropped out of the F1 Pre-season news market at the moment.

Since the season was officially delayed by a fortnight last week the F1 media are getting desperate to find something to report on. With no race for another three weeks and only an ever shifting final test session in Barcelona to look forward to, hundreds of twitchy F1 journalists and commentators were reduced to reporting on anything they could get their hands on this week and trying to turn it into NEWS by giving it their own headline (F14Sure! included).

However, even the F1 media aren’t as callous as to try and put a spin on poor Sir Jackie Stewart suffering an unfortunate turn in the skies over Europe (our best wishes to him) so instead they turned to the most unlikely of sources – Bernie Ecclestone’s official F1 website.

Bernie’s Blog

Jackie Stewart wins at the Nurburgring in the rain in 1968 (look it up on the F1 website)

If you’ve ever visited the official F1 website, you’ll no doubt be aware that it is not the most interactive, hip or happening place in the virtual on-line F1 universe. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a fabulous place if you want to check who came 4th at the Nürburgring in 1958 (it was Wolfgang von Trips by the way) but it’s not exactly renowned for its cutting-edge, non-biased approach to F1 reporting (a bit like Planet F1 in that respect and yet thankfully nothing like Planet F1 at all).

However, on 1st March, Bernie Ecclestone gave an exclusive interview (to his own website) in which he spoke out on many and varied topics – from the recent troubles in Bahrain to the recent cancellation of the Bahrain Grand Prix due to the recent troubles in Bahrain. The rest wasn’t really anything that we hadn’t already heard, especially when he started talking about his desire to see Grand Prix winners awarded with medals as opposed to points, which is fast becoming a perennial favourite (although his opinion on what he classed as “dangerous leisure activities” put me more in mind of Max Mosley than it did Robert Kubica).

Nestled two thirds of the way down the interview however was a very small paragraph in answer to a question about Bernie’s personal ideas for making Formula 1 racing more exciting. His answer is probably (subject to FOM scrutiny and probable subsequent punishment) worth reprinting here in full……



Bernie: Singin' bout the rain!

Q: Any more ideas?
BE(rnie): Yes. Look at the races we have now. Overtaking is almost impossible because in the dry there is only one line good for maximum speed because of the rubber on the track. You have a completely different picture when it is wet. We always had the most exciting races in the wet so let’s think of making rain…

Q: Making rain?
BE(rnie): Yes. There are race tracks that you can make artificially wet and it would be easy to have such systems at a number of tracks. Why not let it ‘rain’ in the middle of a race? For 20 minutes or the last ten laps? Maybe with a two-minute warning ahead of it. Suspense would be guaranteed and it would be the same for all.

In one fell swoop and two small paragraphs,  Bernie managed to capture the imagination of a hungry public and an even hungrier F1 news circus by suggesting something that we’ve probably all thought about at one time or another but never dared to say. The reason of course that we’ve all thought about it is because we’ve all sat and watched boring F1 races at some time or another and prayed for rain that never came. The reason we’ve never dared to say it out loud however is because we all know that it’s about as good an idea practically as teaching George Bush world geography or the art of public speaking.

Morris Minors lead the race for team sarcasm

Even the national newspapers picked the “story” up, probably checked that it was March 1st and not April 1st, and then obviously used it against him. Hence appeared a sardonic piece in the Daily Telegraph including a section with a few suggestions of their own to spice up the racing – including introducing a fleet of 24 Morris Minor 1000′s at a certain point in the race, blowing holes in the tarmac to swallow up a car that has been leading for too long and traffic wardens in the pits issuing penalties which involve paying a fine through a call centre that does not accept Diners Club cards. Very droll indeed!

Most of the rest of us F1 fans however were probably slightly less sarcastic and wantonly creative in our criticism of the idea by just simply labelling it as a crap!

Bernie thinks that dry tracks are a hindrance to overtaking and therefore excitement in Formula 1 races. That of course would explain why he’s so keen on securing long-term deals to host Grands Prix with countries that have an average rainfall of up to 0.2mm for the month that they hold a Grand Prix. Yes, I know that was sarcasm, but I’m allowed!

Why not let it rain in the middle of a race indeed Bernie!

Enormous Hoses &  Artificial Wetness in Formula 1

Marshals with hoses in F1 (and Yes, that's Jackie Stewart again)

By the way, if you’ve got this far without mentally picturing F1 adopting some sort of sprinkler system similar to the one you may or may not use to irrigate your roses with in the summer then you are doing well. Perhaps instead you picture a big beefy marshal holding a hosepipe or even Lycra-clad grid-girls wielding shiny watering cans with the “F1″ logo on them.

If you’re a big and lateral thinker you may even picture Bernie up in his private jet releasing ice crystals into the clouds above the circuit (just after the Red Arrows have gone past) before the race – although he’d still need a full blown cloud maker for Bahrain and Abu Dhabi. I’m not convinced Bernie has the technology for weather control just yet but I’m sure it’s only a matter of time.

If you have allowed yourself to get as far as imagining the logistics of wetting the track, maybe you have also tried to imagine how this would be timed, who would be in charge of it, and exactly how much water it would take to “surprise” a team into making a different pit stop to the one they already had planned when they knew it was going to rain at some point during the race.

What it would do I’m guessing though is cause this kind of scenario. Imagine if you will that a driver has carefully managed their tyres during a race and is now is a position to change their pit stop strategy as a result (which we know should be key in 2011 given that drivers are expected to make 2 or 3 stops for new tyres) and thus gain a well earned advantage. He stops and rejoins only for Bernie’s patented track irrigation system to start, requiring him to come in again for intermediate or wet tyres, thus ruining his race.

“Isn’t that the excitement of it though” I hear some of you reasonably ask? Well, in my opinion No! It’s not fair. It’s the equivalent of when drivers were unfairly penalised because the pit lane was closed because of an (unrelated to them) on-track incident, stopping them from making their scheduled pit stop through no fault of their own – thus ruining their race.

Timo Glock takes centre stage - Brazil 2008

Imagine also the outrage that would erupt if say Lewis Hamilton or Mark Webber were to lose a race or indeed a Championship because of such an incident. You’d want to know who programmed the sprinkler system for a start wouldn’t you? If Bernie had created the rain at the Brazilian Grand Prix in 2008 i’m pretty sure people would still be moaning about it fixing the result in some way.

God or Bernie?  Which is Better?  Is there only one way to find out?

I mean, if God decides when it rains – that’s OK. The other point is that he’s really good at it. He usually gives you advanced notice with big fat grey clouds passing overhead and there’s lots of tension as a result with 12 individual team technicians all checking their very expensive yet usually inaccurate weather tracking and predicting software and declaring very loudly that there will be “rain in 8 minutes” – and then repeating it every 2 minutes until it either rains or no-one believes them anymore.

God would probably be better at varying the amount of rain too I would suggest. Bernie’s hose pipes would have to be pretty spectacular to achieve that kind of variation in precipitation. We’re talking 3 miles of fire truck hoses here people!, all aimed and ready to fire for the duration of the race.

Maybe i’m doing Bernie a disservice. Maybe he’s thought this through after all and as well as having a random timer on his “track wetter controller” he will also have a “volume control”. Random amounts of water to match a certain precedent from a previous race perhaps……The drivers themselves have been keen to dismiss the idea also, but as usual it has been down to Mark Webber to put it in both the thoughtful and tactful way that only an antipodean free thinker can……

Mark Webber: Not a fan of artificial wetness!

“It can be more exciting when we have some different weather conditions…..that does happen. But you just try and think of Jimmy Clark, and Jackie Stewart and Senna and those guys, masters in the wet.”

“Jackie’s still here but the other two would be turning in their graves if they thought we’d have sprinklers and hoses lined up around the track.”

Maybe not the best thing to say after the week that Sir Jackie’s been through Mark, but full points for the sentiment. Give that man a medal!

____________________________________________

Michael Schumacher: Regenmeister (mostly)

* Michael Schumacher was once referred to (amongst other things) as the “Regenmeister” – or in English, the “Rainmaster” (and often rather anoyingly and incorrectly as either the “Rainmeister” or even the “Regenmaster”!)

This was because he was able to do things in the wet that no other driver could do – including passing multiple cars at a significantly higher pace than that of the rest of the field.

Nowadays in F1 it gets used to describe someone who drives well – on a wet track – in at least one race, even if they start and finish at the front.

Another point which is commonly held as fact is that Felipe Massa holds the record for the greatest number of televised pirouettes on a wet track (Silverstone 2008) and has therefore lowered public expectations of his wet race performance to such a degree that no matter how many good wet races he has – people still think he can’t drive in the wet.

© 2011 – F14Sure! spurious wet weather race facts

Fags, Booze & Sex in F1

James Hunt makes Kimi's post-race Magnum & Coke fest look tame by comparison

When was the last time you saw a Formula 1 driver smoking a fag?

I imagine you’d be thinking of James Hunt right now regardless – even if I hadn’t included a picture of him here. There was a time when most F1 cars had a cigarette manufacturer as their main sponsor and of course it was seen as cool, fab and extremely groovy to be seen smoking in F1 – even if you were in the middle of refuelling one of the cars from a jerry can at the time!

Times have changed now of course and today, F1 drivers and their sponsors are obsessed with clean living, clean images, and promoting fitness and strength (and nasty caffeine based “drinks” of course). It’s laughable really to think that in the 70′s drivers like Hunt (or was it just him?) smoking, drinking and womanising in public was all part of the allure of the sport to its predominantly male audience. Hunt often had a patch on his overalls that proudly proclaimed “SEX – Breakfast of Champions”. Nowadays, it is probably included in a driver’s contract that “publicly expressing a fondness for the physical act of lovemaking” will result in a €5,000 fine from their own team. Maybe Nick Heidfeld & Adrian Sutil have developed their trademark mincing walk up and down the pitlane as a kind of “silent protest” against such restrictions!

Thinking about it, they certainly wouldn’t have time for any nookie before a race these days because they’re too busy eating “an exact amount of pasta” and drinking personally tailored isotonic drinks from a heavily advertised titanium sports bottle. Mind you, there was that rumour in 2009 that Jenson Button had sex in a broom cupboard with his girlfriend immediately after winning the Australian Grand Prix, so maybe they do get a chance to “slot it in” every now and again.

That said,  it’s hard to imagine watching Mark Webber having a fag and a can of Fosters during a post-race interview whilst simultaneously groping the highly coloured and taught-spandexed bum cheek of a pitbabe. I suppose it’s equally as absurd to imagine James Hunt in 1976 spending the hour before a race with his “sports psychologist” or “personal trainer” (unless of course that was a euphemism ) or indeed saying anything after a race that was remotely politically correct or that he hadn’t just made up on the spur of the moment.

Spot the difference Round 1

James cuddles his favourite breakfast chef. Red Bull - the breakfast of hungover people with no sense of taste.

Easy - Sex is natural, free (mostly) and available everywhere, Red Bull is man made in Austria, overpriced and sadly also available everywhere.

Go on….. have a fag!

Tobacco advertising had been prevalent in Formula 1 since the late 60s. It has now however been gradually faded out in the last decade or so due to the gradual increase in anti-smoking legislation and (most crucially for Formula 1) a blanket ban on cigarette advertising in Europe. Teams did have a certain amount of advanced warning about such bans and restrictions and Williams were the first major team to run without any cigarette sponsorship in 2000, but it was only as recently as three years ago that no such sponsorship appeared on any cars during a Formula 1 season.

The fact that it took almost a decade for F1 to move on says more about F1 than it does about changes towards cigarette advertising in Europe or indeed anywhere around the world. Tobacco companies make an awful lot of money, and at the end of the day F1 is a sport based on flipping great wads of money. F1 therefore dragged its heels somewhat, avoiding the new tobacco advertising restrictions growing up around them by first of all asking for concessions, and then restricting their tobacco advertising to Grands Prix taking place in countries who were more lenient towards it.

Eventually however came the day that no advertising of tobacco brands was allowed on the cars or indeed in any other aspect of F1 advertising such as team wear and track advertising.

Go on….. imagine this is a fag packet!

Ferrari took an interesting attitude towards dropping cigarette advertising from their team by simply not doing it.

Having had a long brand association with Marlboro, Ferrari & Philip Morris (the manufacturer of Marlboro cigarettes – not the character played by Ewan McGregor in that film a couple of years ago) extended their contact in 2005 and have since extended it again (or will be doing so soon – I can’t remember which one it is!)

They have repeatedly gotten around the issue of the advertising ban by replacing the word “Marlboro” on the cars and teamwear with a selection of logos designed to subliminally continue the association of Marlboro cigarettes with Ferrari in the public’s mind. Every so often they will develop a new subliminal logo to fend off legal action from pressure groups who have spent the last three years trying to prove that their logo is subliminal advertising. Their logo for 2011 (shown below – right! ) is possibly their most blatant yet.

This in itself is an amazingly clever ploy because it clearly works. Try the next round of spot the difference and see how well you do…

Spot the difference Round 2

Flip the lid off the new Ferrari logo and experience the mild flavour of Scuderia Country!

Medium - Prancing horses vs. Prancing horses(?), Horizontal lines intersecting 45 degree lines vs. well you get the idea…

Racing Hearts & High Spirits

Most teams managed to wean themselves off cigarettes (as it were) by finding themselves other sponsors that have lots of money, namely financial institutions and mobile phone companies. Apart from Red Bull (who just make a nasty tasting drink that makes your heart race – good slogan idea that!), the only notable and vaguely interesting addition to this new breed of sponsors in recent years are manufacturers and purveyors of alcoholic beverages.

It’s not OK to advertise addictive cigarettes any more but it’s still OK to advertise addictive alcohol so that’s OK!

When McLaren introduced Johnnie Walker (the Whisky brand not the wonderful yet ageing radio DJ) as a sponsor in 2005, both parties were intelligent enough to realise that drinking and driving are usually two subjects that don’t go together well in marketing terms so they quickly introduced a “Johnnie Walker responsible drinking” initiative to temper the inevitable outrage that tedious people with nothing better to do exhibit when they see something to moan about.

Unfortunately, McLaren didn’t have the foresight to introduce Lewis Hamilton to a “responsible driving” initiative when he joined the team in 2007, and as a result he’s been causing havoc both inside and outside of Formula 1 racing circuits throughout the world ever since  (only kidding Lewis. Good luck with those new tyres this year by the way ).

Who's the designated driver? Damn it's Adrian Sutil again!

Force India have shown no such restraint in their approach to alcohol sponsoring however, as you’ll see if you look at their 2011 car. It promotes Beer (Kingfisher), Whisky (Whyte and Mackay AND Royal Challenge) & Vladivar (Vodka). The only thing missing is the kebab and you would have yourself a night to remember (if you can remember it afterwards that is of course). Methinks James Hunt would have approved of the Force India.

Retro references to a bygone age are all the rage….

This is a Lotus they want you to think!

With the re-arrival of the Lotus name in F1 in 2010 and the subsequent battle it is causing ahead of the 2011 season, the teams marketing departments seem to be copying each other in the livery department as well as the technical one. Group Lotus have effectively “sponsored the arse off” this year’s Renault and, in addition to adding a – in their case ridiculously huge – Lotus badge to the front of the car (which is all the rage in formula 1 at the moment), they have changed the livery of the Renault to be heavily reminiscent of the John Player Special livery used on Lotus F1 cars during the 70s and 80s.

This is obviously a blatant marketing strategy used to persuade any Formula 1 fans with knowledge of F1 history to associate the Lotus brand of the past with the Formula 1 brand of the future. However, it has not gone unnoticed that this could be perceived to be free advertising for the makers of John Player Special cigarettes, which are still commercially available in certain parts of the world. (I wont insult your intelligence by doing a “spot the difference” for the Lotus by the way).

Williams were the last F1 team to announce their livery for 2011 (only yesterday), so imagine my surprise when they unveiled a colour scheme not totally dissimilar to the one used during their glory years in the 1990s. No jumping on the bandwagon there then Sir Frank!

This kind of retro livery is all well and good until you remember that retro usually means “during a period when F1 was largely sponsored by tobacco companies”. Thus, the new Williams livery is most reminiscent of a time when they were sponsored by Rothmans cigarettes. Maybe this has something to do with the fact that the liveries are incredibly similar and use the same colour scheme used back then to match the colours of the Rothmans logo!

Which brings me to spot the difference part 3……

Spot the difference Round 3

Williams liveries in 2011 and back in 1997, when Jacques Villeneuve was yet to reach his zenith of annoyingness.

Hard - apart from the word “Rothmans” of course, i’d personally say that the main difference is that the new car doesn’t have a French-Canadian d**k-head sitting in it, which is small mercy at least given that he’d positively jump at the chance if he was asked.

Back to square 1?

So where does that leave us? Well, we have 2 teams that desperately want us  to remember when they/their logo was a) successful and b) sponsored by manufacturers of health destroying products that they wouldn’t allow or want their drivers to be directly associated with today. We also have two teams that do want to be associated with manufacturers of health destroying products that they wouldn’t allow or want their drivers to be directly associated with. One isn’t allowed to say it directly and the other one is!!!

Maybe this could be the new thing, to change your livery back to when you were last successful with a tobacco company as your main sponsor so that you can ride on past glories and pretend that you are helping to sell cigarettes. I try not to make irony the point of all my blog posts (honest) but I cant help thinking its funny that F1 eradicated itself of tobacco sponsorship only to start getting all nostalgic about it some 3 seasons later.

I suppose that at least kids are no longer being told that smoking is cool, fab or groovy, and they don’t often see their heroes smoking either which is a good thing, but are the replacements for those cigarette sponsorships any better? I guess the answer to that is found if you try to imagine that you are an avid F1 fan and also the most highly suggestible consumer on the entire planet…

In 2011, you would be an alcoholic who held multiple bank accounts, had several investments, a caffeine fixation and an overpriced mobile phone contract. If you were one in 1976 however, you’d probably be dead by now………

Testing Times for F1 as Bahrain gets the “Spanish Archer” *

F1 - an apposite library photo for every occasion

So now we know! It was announced on Monday that F1 will now not be going to Bahrain. Not in March at least.

As many of you will know, F1 is currently in the middle of winter testing –  having already been to Jerez & Catalunya, with the third session finishing in Barcelona this week. I say winter testing, but of course F1′s definition of winter testing isn’t the same as yours or mine. Winter testing to us means sticking your foot outside of the duvet to see how cold it is before you decide whether or not to get out of bed, or gingerly pressing your car’s accelerator pedal to see if it has enough grip to make it out of your snowbound cul-de-sac and onto the main road.

Winter testing in F1 terms is a marginally warmer affair – usually conducted partly in Europe and partly somewhere significantly warmer, but with Bahrain due to host the last test at the beginning of March, F1 has now decided to move it to Barcelona also, to take place on March 8-11th. Not only does this mean that the teams will now have no testing in a warm environment before the beginning of the season, but also that they may well end up suffering from a dependency on Spanish food by the time they go “down under” to Melbourne Park at the end of that month.

The Smell of Burning Rubber?

Pirelli Zeros - I'll take 4 sets - that's 4x4x0 = 0

No, I’m not talking about overcooked paella or James Hunt’s love life here but more a reference to tyre temperatures. F1 has a new tyre supplier in 2011, namely Pirelli. Given that this is Pirelli’s first season in Formula 1 for twenty years, they are naturally desperate to do some solid testing of their tyres and i’m sure they wont be too pleased that they will miss out on four days of testing their latest rubber on the new 2011 F1 cars in hotter conditions.

This could be an issue for some of the teams too, but on the whole it could also potentially add a rather nice twist to the 2011 season. Since refuelling was banned last season, the only reason teams have had to pit mid race is for a single mandatory tyre change. It was well recognised however that the Bridgestone tyres added little to the show last season as the tyre stop became largely strategic rather than a marginal race deciding factor that could play into a team or drivers hands during a race – with the notable exception of the Canadian Grand Prix that is. The choice of compounds brought by Bridgestone and the prevailing track conditions during that race weekend meant that the tyres were degrading quite dramatically, thus adding a level of excitement and unpredictability that went down a storm with those watching the race.

Will Lewis let the Pirelli's get the better of him?

This lead the clever people in F1 (there are some) to reason that, in the absence of refuelling during the race, this might be a way to spice up races and actually make them unpredictable & therefore interesting, and enjoyable affairs.

Pirelli decided going into this Formula 1 season that they would deliberately optimise their tyres to give a smaller optimum operating window (i.e they don’t last as long), which basically means that a) the teams may have to stop twice (at least!!) during a race for tyres and b) that cars and drivers that are kind to their tyres will probably gain an advantage. Should be fun! For some! Pirelli are already under fire for this approach but I imagine only from certain drivers and from the teams with “twitchier” cars.

I would imagine that Lewis Hamilton is probably quite nervous at the moment, given that his teammate Jenson Button is as notorious for his smooth driving style and tyre conservation as Lewis is for flat spotting, prematurely wearing, and delaminating his tyres when the mood takes him. We shall see though.

So What has Testing told us so far?

Thousands upon thousands of people religiously follow F1 Winter Testing to see if the promises made during the launches of these brand spanking-new carbon fibre clad chariots will actually be kept, and also to see who exactly seems to have the quickest, smoothest flowing car on track.

Testing at the Circuit de Catalunya

This is actually a quite difficult thing to assess, not least for the fact that Formula 1 teams vary their testing schedules and don’t make them public. They also try to be evasive when showing their true potential (for example by measuring their own true speed between different points on the track to those that generate the official timings and then backing off in order not to show that true speed to their rivals). Often the cars on track will be on completely different test schedules (long run tests, short run tests etc.) so it’s hard to compare the data gathered to get a true representation of who is shaping up to be the best.

Clearly a good indication of reliability however is the amount of mileage undertaken by each team when compared to the number of failures they encounter along the way, but again teams are well adept at giving reasons as to why their problems aren’t really problems and why they haven’t been out on track as much as the other teams.

Almost inevitably, the conclusion reached so far by the over analysing F1 media (who read into and pre-determine the significance of all of these areas to sell column inches) is that Red Bull are fast, Ferrari look to be pretty close to them and that the other teams fit in behind them somewhere which to be fair doesn’t help anyone who was aware of the state of F1 at the end of 2010!

The Dog ate it!

McLaren are confusing an awful lot of people at the moment though by acting a bit like a school kid who keeps giving excuses for not handing in his homework on time. They delayed the unveiling of their new car until just before the second winter test session – claiming that it gave them a little more time to develop their car. Since then they have put in significantly lower mileage than the other top teams and given a variety of reasons for this unlikely behaviour including some rather hard to qualify shizzle about “disciplining themselves in how they use the winter tests” given that “more of their car development is done in virtual environments” these days.

This to me is the equivalent of the aforementioned school kid saying that the reason he hasn’t handed in his homework is because he “left it at home on the computer”. Maybe however they have stolen a head start on everyone else and we just don’t know it yet! On the other hand, maybe it’s just a bunch of barmy old cack!

The truth is that we just don’t know. We can make educated guesses, emotional guesses or guesses based purely on statistics (i.e. non-educated guesses) but we will just have to wait and see when all is said and done. What is a right royal (crown prince?) pain in the backside however is that we will have to wait another 5 weeks to see what each team’s true pace is. That of course will mark the start of the season and the start of the development race to see who can ultimately go the required distance by the fastest and most consistent route.

…and that’s where the real fun begins.

*  Spanish Archer: “el-bow”! 

Bahrain – Oil but no pearls

The now imfamous Pearl Monument in Bahrain

Bahrain is “known for its oil and pearls” according to “Wiki-mis-lead-ia”. I knew about the oil but i’ll be honest, I didn’t know about the pearls – until that is I heard about the clashes between armed security forces and protesters at the “Pearl Roundabout” this week, and one thing lead to another.

F1 is due (within a matter of hours of me writing this) to make a decision on whether or not Bahrain will hold the first race of the 2011 F1 season on March 13th. I say F1 is due to make a decision but the latest rumour is that Bernie Ecclestone is now leaving it up to his motor racing keen and tank offensive controlling friend Crown Prince Salman bin Hamad al-Khalifa to decide if it should go ahead or not. This in my opinion is a bit like asking the man with a slowly flooding house if you are going to get your trousers wet if you enter his kitchen - especially when he was the one who broke the tap off in the first place and who doesn’t know where the stop-cock is.

If true, is Bernie effectively saying that he’s happy to let the ruling royal family – whose power is disputed by the people – decide upon the potential safety of the people involved in his F1 circus and is also comfy with the moral implications of condoning violent actions against democratic protests by its people? Interestingly, Bahrain reportedly pay 50% more for the privilege of hosting the first Grand Prix of the season so Bernie has a lot to lose if there is a contract debate, but does that figure in his reckoning? I dare not suggest…..

One thing is for sure and that is that there is a distinct irony when more interest in a Grand Prix is sparked by the fact that it may be cancelled due to civil unrest than is generated by its anticipation and actual delivery.

What about the Race?

Without aiming or wanting to be disrespectful to (or indeed make light of) those people affected by the troubles in Bahrain, it has to be said that their Grands Prix stink and always have done. I also say this with due deference to the reality of the situation and its higher importance in human terms when compared to a bunch of well travelled sports professionals and media people getting paid to undertake and promote the burning of lots of oil derived fuel by going round in vague circles very fast on a purpose built track in the middle of the desert.

A logo with expansive run-off areas

Bahrain International Circuit (I bet it wishes it were in another country at the moment!!) has been the location of the inaugural Grand Prix for two F1 seasons since its inception in 2004. The first was in 2006 and the second was last year. A cynic would say that the reason it was dropped as the season opener after 2006 was because it is a boring place to start a season and that same cynic would probably go on to say that the reason it was resurrected last year was probably because the two main selection criteria in Bernie Ecclestone’s head for “ideal season opener location” are currently ”nice and warm” and “in a European TV audience friendly time-zone”!  The sad truth however is that Bahrain simply outbid Australia for the privilege of hosting the first round by reportedly paying an extra $20 Million. Gotta love F1.

This of course would be all well and dandy if, in the intervening years, the Bahrain Grand Prix had become somehow more exciting to watch as a sporting event, but the truth of the matter is that it hasn’t. Watching the Bahrain Grand Prix (even when you are incredibly excited that it is indeed the first race of the new season) is a bit like being a big fan of chocolate ice cream, waiting two months to be given chocolate ice cream, and then being forced to sit and watch someone else eat a vanilla ice cream (from which even the vanilla has been painstakingly removed) instead. Also – as many of us know from personal experience – ice cream and sand don’t mix.

Bore-rain?

Run-off areas so big they attract Graffiti

Apart from a few strategically placed palm trees, the only thing to look at during a race week-end at the Sakhir Circuit is the overwhelming opulence of the space afforded by the track’s numerous and overgenerous run-off areas, and of course the state-of-the-art up-to-the-minute paddock  facilities, which TV commentators still haven’t realised that we aren’t impressed by from the comfort of our living-room sofas. More importantly though, they are not a substitute for a good race track that has variety, punishes driver errors and/or promotes overtaking.

Yes, Bahrain is more often than not “Bore-rain” (copyright Planet F1 – probably!), and F1 Supremo™ Bernie Ecclestone may enjoy generating Formula 1 racetracks in emerging nations that are governed by very rich royal families, but he may care to note that most of us don’t give two hoots about how much money he’s making (or indeed losing) in the process. We do however care if he continues to arrange “boring parties” which everyone is forced to attend, especially when the hosts are rumoured to be violating the human rights of the local population just down the road from the venue.

Not only is it boring as a landscape and over-forgiving on driver mistakes but it’s also a hard-braking circuit that is hard to overtake on due to the variable conditions of the track.

Every year it amuses me when, at some point during the Bahrain Grand Prix weekend, it is noted that there is currently a lack of grip on the circuit due to the amount of sand on the track. That and the inevitable sporadic sandstorm related weather update. I can’t help thinking “well, here’s an idea……… don’t build a race track in the middle of the chuffing desert then!!!”

Please can we have our ball back?

Ask most F1 fans about the Bahrain Grand Prix and they will tell you a similar thing. It’s dull.

Australian Grand Prix - As long as you don't have to drink the Fosters it's cool!

Ask most F1 fans about the Australian Grand Prix however and they will tell you that they love watching it, especially as the season opener. F1 fans of course are a bit of a weird bunch (as you’ll probably know – especially if you sleep with one!) because they generally enjoy the challenge of getting up at stupid o’clock to watch practice sessions, qualifying sessions, races, or indeed anything to do with Formula 1 – so long as it’s LIVE of course.

Yes, Melbourne Park has lots of run-off areas too. However, not only do these punish the drivers if they run into them (by their very nature of being filled with gravel) , they also sometimes paint them different colours which is kinda cute!  Totally coincidentally of course is the fact that these gravel traps are attached to a challenging and interesting track layout where things can and do happen (other than the occasional sandstorm that it is). Will Australia ever be the season opener again? Probably not in Bernie’s lifetime unless his selection criteria changes…… and he wonders why he gets a bad press!

Money for old rope or for an old bloke?

Bernie Ecclestone (left)

I feel for the people of Bahrain but I don’t feel for the race itself or the pickle that those who organised it have got themselves into to be honest. Australia is a great opener and indeed Grand Prix. Bahrain is neither and no amount of facilities or strategically placed palm trees will alter that.

Many of us would happily dump Bahrain as a Grand Prix altogether for the reasons already cited but F1 is a business led by money and a short bespectacled octogenarian in a pudding basin haircut so you basically get what he wants – which is increasingly (unfortunately) a purpose-built yet largely soulless racetrack with state-of-the-art facilities in the middle of nowhere – funded by a cash friendly government who believe that hosting a Formula 1 race will raise their international profile and increase tourism.

In the case of Bahrain, their international profile couldn’t possibly be greater at the moment. This is partly due to Formula 1, but has absolutely nothing to do with their rather inconveniently static, state-of-the-art international circuit. As for the tourism, you might want to give that a miss at the moment Bernie old boy. You can get better pearls down under and the cost may not be as high……

Launches, Liveries, Superficial Facial Hair & Small Rear ends!

F1 Launches are always eagerly anticipated by F1 fans. This is not only because we have been starved of pretty much all F1 contact for eight consecutive weeks (even allowing for Christmas it’s a heck of a long time!), it’s also the first chance to see what kind of technical innovations the teams have been working on in light of rule changes introduced since the previous season. It’s also a great chance to see hirsute-of-face F1 drivers before someone who knows better tells them to shave off that ill-advised beard and/or tache that they’ve been sporting since Christmas in order to appease their wives/girlfriends/inner desire to feel hairy-faced.

This year for example, with the banning of the dreaded double diffuser (a development generally believed to have impeded overtaking in F1 – pretty much like all developments in F1!) , teams have updated their aerodynamic approach somewhat to the effect that most F1 cars in 2011 will have their noses prominently raised in the air – similar to Red Bull’s championship winning car last year, and also have their rear ends compacted and more tapered to aid air flow to the rear of the car. In Fernando Alonso’s case this year however it was apparently his mother who told him to ditch the beard – wise woman! Although Lewis Hamilton seems to have some sort of hairy chinstrap still attached to him which is worrying. Click Here

Where's the booty?

Mind the gap!

The main talking point as a result of the 2011 F1 launches however – other than McLaren’s rather upsettingly shaped sidepod inlets – is, conversely, exhaust outlets. The Lotus Renault (which is rather amusingly owned by neither company) sports a new location for its exhaust outlets so that the hot gases are fed through the rear of the car differently. Again this is all in pursuit of regaining part of the downforce lost by the removal of the double diffuser.

Whether or not it actually makes that much of a difference has yet to be seen, but it certainly gives everyone in F1 circles something to bang on about incessantly, and endlessly debate as to whether other teams will (and indeed can at this late stage) follow suit and change their exhausts too.

It’s all part of the joy of a new F1 season, but for most non-obsessed F1 fans (i.e. people who spend more time enjoying it rather than worrying about it) , they can happily wait until the beginning of the season  to worry about such matters (if they do at all).

The format of the launches and the individual team’s approaches to them however always cause some interest and 2011 was no exception. Although it has to be said they aint what they used to be.

Wot? No Silky Sheets?

Gone are the days when all Formula 1 teams launched their new challenger with an enormous fanfare, a rather tedious gimmick or two, and necessitated a needlessly expensive jolly to some far-flung global destination at the whim of their CEO/marketing department (or more often than not – at the behest of one of their major sponsors).

Nowadays, most teams settle for a relatively low-key affair, with invited press (and in some cases – rather joyously – their fans) and an oversubscribed internet feed which usually breaks down just at the point when the car is about to be revealed and magically fixes itself again during the rhetorical speeches at the end. This is usually a shame because the speeches don’t actually tell you anything you want to know about the cars innovations and development (because they want that to be kept a secret) but instead tell you how pleased the person who designed the car is with it and why – just like you – they can’t wait for the season to start so that the performance gains brought about by their previously unmentioned innovations can be made clear to the world.

In most cases, teams still enjoy the proud reveal of their shiny new steed from beneath a silky sheet with both drivers on hand to pull the sheet off it of course, but more importantly to then stand next to it, look at it longingly or sit on one of its wheels posing with thumb(s) raised for photos and cheers – but always with a slightly self-conscious look on their faces as they do so.

McLaren however were the exception to rule to some degree by getting an overwhelming urge to launch (well, construct) their new car in what looked like a shopping mall in Berlin – like you do!

Courtesy of Vodafone we are led to believe, the Woking based team decided to wheel their car out in bits and assemble it in front of a rather bemused (and cold) looking bunch of passing German shoppers, thus denying us all of the  traditional “reveal” in a way which many cited as “innovative” and “unexpected”, but which I cite as “a bit wanky,” because in all honesty it just looked as if they had turned up late and, in their haste to leave the hotel, someone had forgotten to bring the silky sheet to cap it all off. Luckily however, we were were not denied the sight of poor Jenson and Lewis standing about looking awkward, slightly bemused and very cold as they chatted to themselves – almost as if they were debating who forgot the silky sheet. Fascinating stuff and ultimately, rather pointless unless you were shopping in Berlin that day, were well wrapped up and at a bit of a loose end.

Shall I go for the red tie or the red v-neck sweater? No, i'll dress up as a Butlins employee instead!

Ferrari did their usual launch at home (Maranello) with the very welcome continuation of their policy of not asking their drivers to dress up in suits like they used to in the old days (F1 drivers and Rugby players always look very strange in suits due to their wide necks) so that was nice!

Lotus Renault also revealed their rather pretty looking yet shamelessly plagiaristic black and gold livery which is sure to impress but doesn’t fool anyone into thinking it’s a Lotus, although it may fool advertising watchdogs into believing that it is illegally marketing John Player Special cigarettes which are still commercially available in some parts of the world…. so good luck with that one Mr. Genii Capital owner person.

First HRT Joke of the season

Williams still favour the idea of not launching their car at all, which is a bit like sitting at the back and hoping that no one will notice you. In pre-season testing they sport an all over navy blue livery, thus giving the impression that they still haven’t decided which of their countless  innovative and radically striking short-listed designs they are going to go for – right up until the first race weekend that is, when they inevitably bring out the same dull blue and white ” Royal Bank of Scotland” look and we all go ” thought so!”

If you can't beat 'em - repaint the car!

Special mention must be given to HRT (the F1 team, not the system of medical treatments for surgically menopausal women) who may fail to improve on the performance of their car in 2011 but have most definitely improved the look of their car for 2011.

Last year’s HRT was a monotone battleship grey colour, with the driver’s first name on the side of the car, as if to redirect the blame their way somewhat, all of which effectively said “we are at the back – sorry “.

The 2011 HRT however seems to say “OY, LOOK AT US, WE ARE AT THE F*****G   BACK!!!! – PROBLEM WITH THAT??”.

Nice work people!

What’s most interesting about the HRT launch though is that that they took it one step further. They didn’t launch a car as such, they launched a series of computer-generated images of a car that isn’t ready yet, which has to be the most low key launch of a Formula One car in history.

So McLaren went to Berlin to do theirs, Ferrari stayed at home for theirs, many teams just pointed an internet camera at theirs & HRT did an artists impression of theirs. Williams don’t really even want you to look at theirs though so best not say anything.

The Pen is mightier than the Ford

A highly specialised non-production Italian Formula 1 car not available to bog standard Americans

It may or may not have escaped your attention that the Ford motor company recently decided to sue Ferrari for having the cheek to name their new Formula One car “F150″, believing this to be in breach of trademark for their best selling “F-150″ pickup truck.

It its lawsuit, Ford claims that Ferrari intentionally picked the name and logo with a similar design to capitalize on the popularity of Ford’s F-150 and said the similarity could cause consumers to think the products are associated with one other.

Ferrari however claim that they chose the name as part of a long-standing convention of naming their F1 cars either after their year of production or to mark a notable occasion ( in this case in celebration of the 150th anniversary of the unification of Italy).

A bog standard mass produced pick up truck not available to Italians

It has to be said that it is quite hard to believe that Ferrari would forego the chance to celebrate a notable milestone in their country’s history in favour of deliberately setting out to confuse thousands of Americans into believing that their beloved truck – which they formerly used for lugging large tanks of propane and slaughtered deer carcasses about – is now only licensed for use on alternate Sunday afternoons in one of 20 far-flung world locations, including middle-eastern deserts, a tax haven for rich Europeans, the odd disused British airfield and a number of annoyingly similar and ineffectual racetracks all designed by the same German.

Having said that, I suppose I can see why that would stop someone buying one of their pick-up trucks.

However, given that most manufacturers would pay good money for their consumers to associate their products with the prestigious Italian marque, one can only assume that Ford either believe their American customers to be highly xenophobic, incredibly stupid, or both! Way to patronise your customers guys – Hell YES!!

It is believed that Ferrari have tried to simultaneously head off the court action and also clarify the situation to Ford’s customers (those that understand Italian at least) by buying a job-lot of red Biros and manually extending all published instances of the new model’s ident with the full model title, which is “F-150th Italia, non merda camion Americano - comprendere?!”

Coincidentally, “F1 Supremo” Bernie Ecclestone is reported to be suing the Ford motor company himself for their continued use of 1357 computer keyboards in its Head Office in Dearborn, Michigan – all of which currently have unlicensed “F1″ keys. Don’t laugh – he may win!